“Teacher’s Pet” (Buffy, Season 1)

I sometimes wonder how writers come up with names for their characters.  In this episode, “Ms. French”, the substitute science teacher is a steamy, single character who preys on virgin men.  A sort of mix between romantic stereotypes of “The French Teacher” and trying not to be too obvious.  But whoever said science (and scientists) can’t be sexy?

After speaking to his Oxford chum whose research involved entomological mythology or mythological entomology  (sounds like the chap was in the Anthropology department, if you ask me), Giles classified her as a “kleptos virgo.”  Actually, this should be either “kleptos parthenou”  (or even “kleptos phebou”) or “furs virginis”.  A pet peeve of mine is mixing Greek and Latin together.  It’s right up there with Latin authors imitating Greek rhetorical constructions.

So what sort of diagnosis can be given in this sort of situation?  Surely the cure for Xander would be simple:  if Mrs. French preys only on virgin men, then, well, start getting it on with the cellmate.  After all, what are prisons for?  Besides, this sort of cure would violate ethical standards of conduct on the part of the practitioner-patient relationship.

Ms. French herself, however, presents an interesting case.  Extreme appetite after copulation.  Intriguing.

Sounds like KD yang is doing too good a job of supporting that SP yang, leading to ST fire.  I suppose one could also say that the descent of HT fire to the KD at the point of climax somehow got transferred to the ST.  This is mildly plausible, since ST qi has a descending quality.  Physiologically, we have a nice loop:  HT fire descends via ST qi to the KD, overstimulating KD yang, which gets transferred to the SP and shared with the ST.  So how to treat this?

Please remember that this is for theoretical and amusement purposes only.  Self-diagnosis and treatment is strongly discouraged.

I would suggest that since KD2 is the fire point of the KD channel, and thus the most yang point, we disperse it.  Being a ying-spring point, it excels at clearing fire anyhow.  KD-2 supports SP yang at SP-8, “Earth Pivot”, and so combine those two points.  Interestingly, this combination can be used for various hormonal imbalances.  Hormones are sometimes considered to be part of the ye-thick fluids, and so we could imagine combining some Small Intestine points to regulate the thick fluid.  Or, we could add some Stomach points.  SI points I would consider choosing are SI-3, to disperse the sea of yang; and SI-8, which can clear heat from the HT.  One might also consider using the SI luo point for this purpose as well.

For ST points, ST-39 (relates to SI), CV-12 (ST mu point, may nourish yin to hold the fire), ST-42 (also nourishes ST-yin), and ST-9 (“Welcome to humanity”).  This last point might also take care of that neck problem Ms. French manifested earlier in the episode, too.

Herbally, we could use a variation on Zeng Ye Tang, Nourish the Thick Fluids Decoction.  The original formula is composed of three herbs:  Xuan Shen (Scrophulariae Radix), Mai Men Dong (Ophiopogonis Radix), and Sheng Di Huang (Rehmannia Radix).  If the Sheng Di seems too cold or cloying, one could use a variation from Qing Chang Yin, Clear the Intestines Drink, and use Dang Gui (Radix Angelica Sinensis) instead.  Dang Gui might be a viable option given its estrogenic and hormone regulating qualities.

Additions would include Shi Hu (Dendrobium), which nourishes ST yin.  Just be sure not to use it with Bai Shao, which antagonises it.  I might also want something a bit astringent.  Wu Wei Zi might do the trick, but why not take a clue from the Medicine Buddha, who says that the entire world is medicine if used properly?  We have another astringent medicinal right on hand:  Sang Piao Xiao, the steamed Egg Case of the Praying Mantis.  It can tonify yang, but adding a touch of yang tonics to an otherwise exclusive yin tonifying prescription should achieve a very balanced formula.

So:  Nourish the Thick Fluids to regulate the Appetite and Hormones

Xuan Shen

Mai Men Dong

Sheng Di Huang or Dang Gui

Shu Di

Sang Piao Xiao (at a small dose).

It is a shame that Xander chopped down the rest of the egg cases in Ms. French’s basement.  They would have made a wonderful profit in the appropriate market, I’m positive.  At least Mr Gregory seems to have been a virgin, too — a nice little cache of egg cases survived in his classroom.  Just remember to steam (and then bake) them first, in order to avoid a severe case of diarrhea.

The information contained in this post is for theoretical purposes only.  It is not meant to diagnose, treat, or otherwise advise real-life individuals on their conditions.  If you think you can benefit from Asian medicine, please seek a qualified practitioner.


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